Kalyug Aur Ramayan (1987)

Here's the plot directly copied from wikipedia. Looking at the grammar, I might say it will be awesome ;)

The film is based on the Ramayana in modern environment, how his character in today. Manoj Kumar is portrayed in the film Ram Bhakta Hanuman. Hanuman come to earth and meet a miserable father Dasaratha. Dasrath distressed by her sons and daughter-in-law. How to the Hanuman Solve this problem, this is story theme.

The movie starts with a narration claiming that people will turn religious after watching it. This is exactly how cults recruit!!

In a 2d galaxy far far away

We see Hanuman putting a plate full of sindhur on his body and dancing..

When asked by Ram "wth mate?", Hanuman says he is dancing so that Ram can live longer

And they all have this conversation without looking at each other

Ram tells Hanuman to visit earth instead and check out kalyug (modern life) and Hanuman travels to earth by doing breast stroke style swimming through space

When Hanuman lands on earth, tremors are felt all across the globe but this genius inspector tells people to calm down because Koyna dam is causing earthquakes. wtf :S

Probably the best intro of a movie ever..

Hanuman lands on earth and lands near a Ram Leela (Ramayan play) the actor who plays Hanuman gets sick. so real Hanuman gets a long distance call from Ram telling him to take the role instead.

He does as instructed but soon realizes that the actors are drunk af.. Hanuman being anti alcohol, gets pissed and starts beating the crap out of the actors

When the shocked cop in the audience yells "What the hell is this?" Hanuman says "Yeh Kalyug Aur Ramayan Hai".. Baammm titles

Hanuman sets the stage on fire (literally) and flies away right in front of the cop in shoddy cgi 

The cop sees this and come to a conclusion that this flying person is definitely an international spy because of the unique tail and flying of course

The cop chases Hanuman and gets him cornered on a terrace of a building..

Hanuman gets a quick call from Ram who tells him to buck up and gives Hanuman a makeover... annnnddd it is Manoj Kumar :D :D :D :D 

Hanuman to Manoj Kumar transformation

Hanuman assumes the identity of Pawan Kumar and escapes the police. He is rich and has two guardians to help him out on earth

Pawan attends an adult fancy dress show because that's what you do when you become a human being

He quickly gets attention from bad guy Prem Chopra, who is busy networking with other bad guys

The show's judge is eternal bad girl, Bindu, who plays Kamla 

Since the fancy dress show is adult, all its participants are drunk

Despite the tough competition, the winner is Sarita, who was dressed up as a boring old woman. Also Sarita is the daughter in law of the judge and they brag about her winning right on stage

Keeping up with the adult theme, Sarita starts stripping 

Before people get confused...

Prem (villain) chopra is Bhairav singh (I ll call him Prem)

Bindu is Kamla,

Kamla has two sons Raman and Daman. 

Sarita is Raman's wife and 

Nirmala is Daman's girlfriend. 

Yes token character names from the 80s

But Pawan is not pleased and leaves the party because whisky is not gangajal (actual dialogue)

Later Pawan is invited to a swimming pool where Sarita swims in high heels

Soon all the ladies at the pool start synchronized dancing

Story so far.. The evil family tries to win over Pawan so that he can fund their illegal activities..

Illegal activities like..

Match fixing at the races. The evil family is so keen on winning that they pray at a temple to fulfill their evil wishes 

And they bribe the jockey to lose the match on purpose

We also get introduced to the non evil member of the evil family.. who might be relevant to the plot later...

Kamla's husband who is tortured and loves EDM

Story so far... Hanuman/Pawan sees the family torturing the old bloke and makes sure the family lose at the races by magically adding a divine accelerator in the horse's arse

After losing the race, the evil family plan to expand their money via smuggling aka plan B

But they need 40 lakhs to start their smuggling business. They decide to get the money following these few simple steps : 

Raman seducing Kamini,

Sarita seducing Prem,

Daman taking over his girlfriend's property 

Casually calling the bank for a loan

Pawan decides to pose as a holy god man and become the family's personal adviser by giving them blessings and occasionally peeing on them

With god man's blessings the smuggling plan is put into action.. One needs to dress in garish clothing and explode a time bomb in the sea. Once the bomb is exploded, balloons come out of the sea with packages attached to it (god knows how) The handlers then swim towards the balloons and get the packages and then unload it into the trucks

But the day is saved by Pawan who does some magical wu shu behind the trees and manoeuvres the truck directly to the police station

Kamla confronts Pawan saying that when he had given them blessings then why would the smuggling plan fail?

After the smuggling debacle the bad guys are worried that smugglers will name them in front of the jury and the judge.. but Sarita has a solution

It seems the judge was an old classmate of Sarita and had a major crush on her. When Sarita got married he decided to be bramhachari (celibate/monk)

So her master plan is????? seduce him of course :P

Sarita dresses up like Jogan to seduce the bramhachari XD

The judge invites her to his home and takes her directly to the bedroom XD wow :O that escalated quickly

The judge (who keeps calling Sarita, 'sister' because he is a monk now) tells Sarita to clean up while he gets some coconuts XD

But Sarita tells him to chill while she gets the coconuts. She drugs the coconut and gives it to the judge

This is what toddy feels like

The judge gets high as fuck and lets his inner goddess out (umm inner tiger) after watching Sarita strip... AGAIN

Meanwhile all this is being recorded by Daman who is standing with a huge ass camera behind a wall with holes

  

The judge goes 50 shades of grey on Sarita

But soon comes to his senses when he is slapped by Daman

The judge realizes that he has been duped by these two when Daman removes a huge vhs tape he recorded a few seconds ago and shows the rape recording on the judge's TV... That's how recordings and playback worked in the 80s .. very modern

My reaction to this scene...Yeh kya chamatkar hai?

Cut to the court session..

The villains wait for the verdict

Daman brings the VHS tape in his low cut shirt and shows it to the judge reminding him to behave :P... Looks like this guy has been trained at Jennifer Low Pez's academy for strategic hiding of things in low cut clothes

But the judge doesn't like Jennifer Low Pez and punishes the bad guys..and also because that's the extent of his role 

But right before he reveals the names of the bad guys, he gets shot and all the evidence papers are taken away

After murdering the judge, Prem asks the family to reveal the hidden location of their family jewels or else he will reveal the names in the file ... But Kamla says she tried getting the info out of her mother in law but never got any

A disappointed Prem then asks for Sarita instead cos why not... and all hell breaks loose.. wait wasn't she seducing Prem for the 10 lakhs?

Suddenly the criminal couple Sarita and Raman have change of hearts and tell Prem to STFU and they are done with crime

Modest dressing = Good people

While the couple decide to change their wardrobes along with their morals, younger bro Daman retains his thriller clothes and tells his pregnant girlfriend (Nirmala) to abort.

Nirmala's parents hear this and realize that they are screwed because Daman took over their property and all they have is gangajal (water from Ganga river) which they cannot even sell on ebay

Nirmala's dad visits Kamla and she tells him to fuck off

While Nirmala's dad gets consoled by Kamla's tortured husband, they get a visit from Pawan Kumar who was already in the house

Everyone in this movie randomly appear at people's homes and no one questions...taking India's lack of privacy to a whole new level 

The tortured husband gets info about the family jewels by his mom and a woman named Kamini (she hangs out with Prem) hears this

Nirmala's parents commit suicide by either having poison or the gangajal... considering they are dead it must be the gangajal (most polluted river ever)

A shocked Nirmala tries to drink the poison which comes in a standard bottle with the label poison on it.. found at the chemist near you

Suddenly Pawan appears at her home and stops her.. (why didn't he stop her parents?)

He brainwashes her just like cult leaders, and she goes into robot mode and pays a visit to her boyfriend

And not just that she brings her dead parents as well XD how? just how??

Sarita threatens Daman to marry Nirmala or they will send him to jail..

When Kamla challenges Sarita, she starts singing self righteous songs. All this while the dead bodies are still there

After the visual and auditory stimulation, Kamla breaks down and begs for mercy.. POW submission technique

Daman, still influenced by his wardrobe, tells these losers to piss off

Suddenly Prem appears out of no where,

just like everyone else.. and asks them to give the location of the family jewels

Pawan comes to the rescue

Fight erupts in the house along with some pillar humping and speaking in different languages

But Prem shoots the old lady and the tortured husband gets a heart attack. While having a heart attack the husband is concerned that he cannot visit some EDM/trance festival..you dont say :S

The old man gives Pawan the location of the jewels and Prem tries to beat the info out of Pawan

While Prem punches Pawan.. Pawan falls and  CGI happens.. he loses all his powers

Prem takes Daman as hostage and leaves the scene

A confused Pawan gets a call from Ram, who tells him that he shouldn't have used his super strength... Whatsapp circa 80s

The now good family take their father to the hospital but they cannot afford the medical bills

When they ask Pawan (remember he is rich) for money, he avoids the topic by saying he is really poor..I thought he only lost his power.. Wait. Money is power. (very symbolic and true)

So these blokers give their jewelry to Pawan to pawn it

But Pawan, who has also lost his brains in the attack, manages to lose the jewels

Not only that, he gets into Kamini's (Prem's assistant) car when she tells him she will give him money

Kamini takes Pawan to Prem's house and starts seducing him... the woman is so talented that she changes her costume for every scenario

Prem and Daman beat up Pawan and lock him up in a room..

Daman pretends to be nice and goes to meet his dad.. and dad gives them the location of the family jewels

The family leaves dad at the hospital to get the jewels.. And dad starts playing loud EDM music in the ICU and goes into a trance

Pawan gets help from a monkey and escapes through a window which leads straight into the hospital room... that was quick

Anyways, Pawan enters the hospital room and turns off the tape cos seriously wtf was that old dude thinking

Meanwhile the family digs for family jewels an finally finds the booty

But bad boy Daman attacks his mum and his bro and takes all the booty along with Sarita XD

Kamla is shocked that her boy Daman is a bastard. One thing that bugs me is that this woman was the evil kingpin just a few minutes ago and now she acts clueless. Just like an Indian politician

But suddenly Pawan appears at the location yet again to give them obvious info that Daman is with evil man Prem

But he is wrong. Daman is actually fighting his brother Raman right outside the cave under fake rain. And Sarita is just rolling around for some reason.

But the snazzy water party is stopped by Prem and his goons. They capture and take them to his mansion.

After taking them to their mansion, Prem tells Sarita he wants to bang her while her husband is tied up like this XD

Meanwhile Kamla, her husband and Pawan are still clueless about everything and decide to visit Prem's mansion

Sarita dresses up for Prem XD but plot twist!! Prem doesn't wanna BANG Sarita, He only wants to put BANGles on her. Apparently, it's his thing. WTF?!

But bad boy Daman insists that he should be the one to put bangles on Sarita, who is also his sister in law. 

He gets bitch slapped by Prem

Seeing his brother Daman lust after cheap glass jewelry, Raman gives a huge speech on Ramayan but not before telling "F you Daman!"

After the speech Daman has a change of heart and  realizes that he has bad taste and will only go for gold from now on.

  

Meanwhile, Prem is busy putting bangles on Sarita

Daman, who is a good boy now, goes to Sarita and apologizes for his sleazy behavior and gets bitch slapped again

Prem's thugs capture Daman and tie him up with custom kinky wall mounted chains

Sarita starts singing all of a sudden and starts reciting the wikipedia page on bangles. Yes, the whole song is about bangles (not the band)

While dancing, Sarita notices some conveniently placed guns on the wall

Sarita takes the guns shoots at the chains on her husband and Daman. The girl has great aim.

                                      

Sarita goes Rambo on the bad guys but eventually gets caught

Suddenly Pawan enters the scene and captures Prem

but gets a light slap on his head and faints. He finds himself tied up with kiny chains

Meanwhile Prem tells Sarita to strip. And she must do it all before he finishes his drink or he will kill her family.

Sarita starts to strip by taking off her jewelry but Prem reminds her that it is a "clothes only" deal.

In classic 80s exploitation style, Sarita starts removing her clothes, while Pawan calls out to Ram

But suddenly Pawan starts calling out to 'Shakti'

                

Everyone is baffled by this

Luckily, Ram appears and gives back Pawan his powers

Pawan becomes powerful and starts beating up the bad guys by literally making fight sounds and flying sounds by himself XD

Pawan gets bored of giving music by himself and asks the EDM-addicted family to give background music while he kicks ass and flies around

The tortured husband is psyched about this cool opportunity to be an EDM DJ and starts jamming, while Pawan blows Prem (naw, seriously)

Prem realizes his bullets wont work right before getting fingered by Pawan

After the fight, the old man asks a floating Pawan "who the fuck are you mate?" Pawan tells him to meet him at Ayodhya EDM concert and tells him to scoot off with his wife and Sarita (and not take Daman and Raman)

But not before giving Sarita new clothes

Pawan then asks Prem that does he want to drink milk. Wtf is going on? :S

Pawan now turns Prem into a woman

This was a 2-hour long sucessful sex change operation

Kinky Pawan, Raman and Daman now make Prem dance for them and kill him by shooting him up through the roof. Tragic!!

Prem flies off the roof and lands near the police. before dying he tells the police Pawan has killed him

The police recognizes Pawan as the international operative who ruined Ramleela for him

Pawan flies Raman and Daman to their family EDM concert in Ayodhya

Police gate crashes the EDM concert

While this happens, the tortured husband asks Pawan to reveal his true identity. Pawan tells the man that he would if the old man bends over and asks for permission

People go into a trance and Pawan turns in to Hanuman

The cop arrests Pawan and the entire family because they are international spies

Pawan starts giving a huge ass lecture on how parents should name their kids 

Pawan tells "Sayonara bitches!!" transforms into Hanuman and flies away

And right before leaving, he makes sure people get the best EDM experience with a truly lit performance

Yassssssssssss!!!!!

Final thoughts..

Daman's pregnant girlfriend's dead parents are still in Kamla's home