Jaane Kya Hoga (2006)
Synopsis
This movie has Aftab as a doctor.. nuff said!!

The movie starts with our doc Aftab working in a very dark laboratory where questionable things happen

By questionable things I mean...

Scanning a rat on paper scanner

Checking the rat's x rays which look human

Having literal (I mean literal) diagrams of DNA and human stick figures to explain the experiment to noobs 

Taking a printout of that DNA diagram and checking whether it is similar to the jpeg image that was printed in the first place

Feeling happy after successfully printing the image

Showing coin tricks which proves cloning is possible

I could go on about this but let's continue...

So after the coin trick is successful our Doc starts the cloning experiment. He gets a volunteer into the cloning chamber which resembles a Prince music video

Press enter for cloning.. wait.. press enter for everything

The cloning experiment fails and that guy dies

Movie Title intro.. with fetus for that sci fi feel

2 years later...

Doctor Siddharth (Aftab) gives a long speech on cloning at the Indian research center which has extremely tacky security interfaces

So the doctor clones humans by literally taking a copy of them with the help of a computer and he explains it through diagrams

And he failed previously because there was an error in the computer which they have now rectified so the cloning (printing) can officially begin

However.. Sid's cloning program gets rejected because according to the top scientist (Paresh Rawal) life can be only given by God.. see the irony here?

And also Sid's project was absolutely rejected by this cop (played by Rahul Dev)

A disappointed Sid receives a mysterious phone call from a guy who tells him that he is ready to finance Sid's project

Wait, what? this mysterious guy is the cop :S

Sid rejects the offer but decides to work on the project personally with the help of his rich and hot girlfriend

Never take success selfies unless you have experienced any real success

Sid gets the funding from his girlfriend Aditi's (Bipasha) dad.. jiska yeh duniya mein koi nahin hai

In comes Suchitra (Preeti Jhangiani) who is crazy about Sid, is the head scientist Krishnan's (Paresh Rawal) daughter... and has a voice that revereberates .. creepy

Suddenly Sid gets cornered by some bikers on the road.. just another day in Mumbai 

Meanwhile someone tries to access Sid's computer at his house and goes through his floppy disks.. wait, floppy disks in 2006? maybe it wasn't the computer error that failed the cloning.. it must be the outdated tech and usage of windows 94 

Sid realizes that his house has been ransacked and decides to move his experiments to this place an old factory

Sid manually builds a hi tech science facility by going through some instruction CDs and hugging a keyboard

Sid begins his experiments and he does these things...

Looks at random sci fi screens with determination

Writes on a red transparent sheet with red ink

Takes fingerprints of a rat on a .. wait for it.. folding calculator from the 90s

I had these calculators but never knew about this function

Also the computers in his lab speak in a robotic voice.. which mostly sounds like a very constipated man

All of a sudden a seductive music plays in the background and Sid injects something into the rat

Meanwhile the shady cop visits Sid's place for no reason and is super suspicious about him for nothing just like most cops in our country

Also someone is secretly watching Sid perform experiments at the warehouse

Sid successfully clones the rat and also gets congratulated by his computer, who sounds like Daft Punk

But the cloned rat bites him.. the plot of the movie right there

Nevertheless, Sid is happy with his creation

Wait.. why is he so happy? hasn't he cloned rats before? 

Sid is so happy that he is seen hugging Aditi at this random place

but suddenly the police arrives with an entire squad to arrest Sid... for what? I have no idea about that

to avoid the police,intelligent Sid jumps off a cliff

The cops look for him using different measures.. like this.. looking at the skies with binoculars in the night.. maybe he is still up there somewhere

But soon Aditi is notified by her dad that Sid is alive and cloning

Back in the lab Sid clones himself.. and he does these epic things.. (note it down if you ever plan to clone yourself in the future)

...

He puts up a large curtain in his lab to preserve his modesty while he removes his clothes for the procedure.. he doesn't like seeing himself 

Takes blood samples on the folding calculator

And.. the best..

attaches ear phones on his body to clone himself XD

Not convinced? look closer

Cloning complete...cloning complete ... cloning complete (in daft punk voice)

But..

There is no clone :O

Face of disappointment

Story so far.. Sid thinks his experiment has failed after looking at the empty chamber

but not so far away..

Suddenly a naked Aftab clone attacks Ichadari Naag from Jaani Dushman and steals his clothes

Since he is the evil clone (remember the rat) he steals leather clothes .. also this scene reminds me of the Terminator

The first thing Evil Sid does is go to a club and dance because that is the first thing a man who just entered this world does

After the dance session the clone tries to act fresh with Maria Goretti who has vanished from the movie scene a long time ago.. maybe she should have cloned herself

When she rejects him, he assaults her

Thereby waking his inner rat

suddenly random men come with huge breakable blocks, which is common in hindi films

Looks like the cloning chamber also has an in built tanning facility.. 

Fight scene happens... and because he is a clone he fights right after he moves his head from left to right

Rat Attack!!!!

Meanwhile Sid is sad and is consoled by his girlfriend.. the dialogue was rehashed by a friend and it is epic..

Actual dialougue - Aditi consoling Sid 

"Agar tumhara experiment ek Chuhe pe safal hai toh insaan par kyun nahin hoga?

Dialogue by friend - 

"Agar tumhara experiment ek Chuhe pe safal hai toh ek Chutiye par kyun nahin hoga?

After the assault, the clone Sid comes to Aditi's place and sees both Sid and her together. He calls the shady cop and pins the assault on Sid. How the hell does he have all that info?

Also the police have the best sketch artists in the world...

Sid gets arrested but soon he realizes that his experiment might be a success

Meanwhile Sid clone is in Sid's lab and is looking for project files... also he communicates with the cloned rat

He realizes that seducing Suchitra will get him the files

One of the things that bother me about this movie is how does this clone know everything.. the people, the phone numbers.. it is more of a carbon copy than a clone.. idiot movie :/

Clone Sid visits the research center to get the files.. soon Krishnan realizes it is not Sid because of his ridiculous tan.. the clone kills Krishnan

While leaving the building the clone looks straight into the camera and waves, which leads to Sid getting arrested again

The evil clone comes to visit Sid at the prison claiming to be his lawyer (yeah right) and rubs it in his face amidst a very gassy background music

To convince the cop that he is innocent Sid  takes the cop to the warehouse..but everything vanishes from the site and Sid gets into trouble again

But Plot Twist!! :O more like a plot hole .. the person viewing the cameras Sliver style is none other than Aditi :O .. (dont ask why) And it seems that she is the one who has been messing around with Sid and she is in on this with Sid's clone..but wait what? wtf? :S

Sid, under pressure from Aditi, confesses and gets institutionalized in an asylum

But soon Sid clone dares the cop to chase him and now the cop gets suspicious about the clone theory

This movie has just crossed all logic.. now why would the clone sabotage his chances of living like a free person? :S

The cop soon goes back to warehouse and quickly realizes that Sid was not lying and there is an evil clone.. how did he realize that???

While all the equipment was taken away from the warehouse, the idiots left their cameras in the exact same place

Also they left the cloned rats right there

WTF...

...

...

Anyways.. Sid is taken out of the asylum and the cop has his suspicions on Aditi (finally he is on track)

The idiot cop allows him to meet Aditi who is now dressed in leather (because evil)

The evil couple attack Sid and I still don't know why things are happening in this movie

The evil couple take Sid to some hilly location and Aditi finally explains the plot

Hahaha so remember that dead volunteer? yeah he was Aditi's brother.. and Aditi blames Sid for his death. So all this massively elaborate plan was to take revenge against Sid.. well she could have just shot him dead

Then Sid explains that her brother died because of his own fault..Aditi is convinced.. well that was easy

suddenly le clone arrives

Best scene of the movie.. Aditi tells the clone "Give me the gun, give me the gun, give me the gun" The clone shoots her 

The clone directs Sid into this tiny warehouse where he has kept 100 of clones of him

This warehouse is like the tardis. It is bigger inside

After lot of boring dialogues and bragging, some lame ass fight scene happens

Absolutely cringe worthy

Also the clone claims that he has made all of his clones brainless so that they will follow his orders.. really? I assumed they have to be brainless because they are his clones

Suddenly the cop, who was hanging off a cliff, comes to the scene and tells his entire police force to take Aditi's body for postmortem.. while he goes into the crime scene alone

After some more dialogues and sadistically welcoming people in their labs... Sid impales the clone with a a huge spear which was kept on display

But the clone doesn't die until he is impaled twice, shot 5 times and he says some more cringe worthy dialogues

Once the clone dies both Sid and the cop decide to destroy the lab.. and they build the teserract (cue Avengers)

They destroy the lab..and end the evil clones

Later it is shown that Sid is freed and has married Suchitra BECAUSE... Suchitra is pregnant with the clone's child.. never knew seductive dancing with snakes caused pregnancy (oh wait)

Movie title explained in the end.. It is the clone's child that will be born so will he be good or evil?.. hmmm.. Jaane hoga kya..

Iske aage kuch hoga ya nahin, mera dimaag zaroor kharab ho gaya hai!!!

Final Review..

This movie was definitely written when someone was feeling high and low at the same time. Not only does this movie gets everything wrong about cloning, it gets everything wrong about everything. 

Firstly, Aditi's revenge plan is a major joke. What if he never created a clone? And it took so little to convince her. That evil clone is hilarious. For a newly made human being he knows everything. The rest of the characters like the cop just randomly do things without any reasons. 

The special part of the story is its production design.. It is just hilarious. Also a special mention to the music of this movie. It is so random that I felt that I had left an extra tab open and it is play random tunes.

Well, why am I even writing a final review .. this movie is lame..watch it for the kicks and Aftab of course ;)

Now off I go to clone myself with my headphones